This past year, I personally had wanted life to slow down a little bit and put off doing our classes until crunch time came and then there was nothing to do but dig in and try not to panic over whether we'd be able to meet the requirements.
I, for one, hate to miss deadlines. I try not to be anal about it, but when I know people have asked certain things of me, which are reasonable and necessary, and I feel unable to satisfy the request, it can drive me batty.
My husband probably doesn't like to disappoint anybody either but he's much more quick to say, "Who cares?!" and walk off and not stew about it anymore. In the past, I've felt the need to impress upon him the importance of doing something and it's backfired. The more I press, the more he retreats into sullen silence and we. get. nowhere. but. mad.
The other morning, I laid on the floor in my bedroom, while the Chi machine worked its magic, and bawled. The fact that there were 30 hours total of education between the two of us to accomplish yet, was nigh unto impossible. I prayed. I felt a little resentful, angry, helpless, irritated and generally not in a mood to get up and get going. The verse, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" popped into my gloomy thoughts. "Okay, God, have at it. I don't know how You're going to get this done, but You know it must be, so feel free to make it happen."
A little while later, I realized that in addition to carrying over the effects of the flu from the day before, I also had a bladder infection. Marvelous.
Once upon a time, (and perhaps again in the future), I would be offended and flounder when I got sick. Because God already knows what I'm thinking, I can be quite frank with Him.
"Uhm, you know I don't have time for this. Could you heal me quickly, please?!"
This go-round, I took a different tactic.
"Thank You for indoor plumbing. For a daughter willing to run to the pharmacy for Pyridium and cranberry juice. Leftover Cipro to swallow along with breakfast."
I felt too dizzy to work downstairs and must've looked as badly as I felt because I was admonished by my family to go back to bed.
With Mark, Silvia and my teenagers holding down the fort, I did just that.
Not necessarily sleepy, I pulled out my laptop and began listening to webinars related to Attachment Issues in Infants.
The day's tasks, which at the beginning appeared completely overwhelming, were completed one by one in the subsequent 12 hours; without a lot of crazy hassle and anxiety.
The following day, Mark had taken a vacation day from work and so we sat and listened to a 2.5 hour session together. We took the quiz at the end of it and got a 70% so didn't pass. Mark would tell you he got the right answers, I got the wrong ones, and so it's my fault we didn't pass. We're a team. He's right and I'm not. Whatever.
Instead of 2.5 hours, we then needed to spend 5 hours listening to the webinar. Again, I had a choice to resent the time spent, not passing the first time, or have an attitude of gratitude.
I consciously chose gratitude.
The webinar http://centervideo.forest.usf.edu/confvids/attachbiobehave/attachbiobehave01/FS.html
proved to be an insightful, educational, over the top blessing to my husband and myself. Here's why.
Mary Dozier has proven that being nurturing and taking delight in infants when they are crying can overcome their attachment disorders. It's marvelously simple and yet incredibly complex. She presses the concept that infants need to find a safe place to go with their emotions and have them validated.
Foster parents must overcome their natural response to downplay, ignore or redirect the child's crying.
If a child climbs up on a chair, falls and bangs their head, and comes to you crying, what's your response?
"I told you not to climb on that chair!"
"You're not hurt that badly, stop bawling."
"Hey look outside, see the bird?"
None of those responses help in the long run. Instead, try saying, "You've hurt yourself, I'm sorry. Let me hold you a minute 'til you're ready to get down." Crazy enough, the child does not have to cry harder to make you understand he's hurt. He knows you care. He's been nurtured, validated, and is more likely to settle because you're holding him and your ability to be calm is transferred to him and he's able to regulate his emotions to match your own.
This concept proceeded to initiate a discussion between Mark and myself. Our family's response to getting hurt or sick was not necessarily nurturing. We weren't in the least finding fault with our parents or siblings, or each other, but simply discussing whether we consciously decide to nurture or not.
I have felt in the past that my emotions were invalid. Setting Mark up for success in our interactions means I tell him, "I want you to say, 'that's gotta be tough' and then stop. Don't fix it, don't talk me out of it, etc. Just say those magic words and you'll win."
I then proceed to tell him whatever is on my heart, bizarre or otherwise, and he follows my cue and says, "That must be tough" usually with a wink and a barely concealed grin. I glow with appreciation over his sympathy for my plight, lean in and kiss him and say, "You nailed it!" We both walk away from the interaction not having argued. I don't feel helpless to communicate how sad, disappointed, and upset I might be with increasing angst because he's just not getting it. He might not get it, and would rather not hear about my issues because he can't fix it, but he doesn't make me angry.
A hilarious video is linked here if you care to watch how men and women often relate.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Both my husband and I want to be a safe place for the other to air our concerns, fears, hurts and dreams. We've hung out together now for 32 years. A webinar on attachment issues in infants, helped us find ways to better communicate with one another than we'd ever thought of before or heard about or read.
I didn't blow it this past week in facing the challenge of getting continuing education hours in along with all the other demands. No, I didn't wade into this education stuff with the right attitude to begin with, I'm not that amazing or wonderful at all, naturally. I resented the heck out of the inconvenience, but what I did do well, was pray. And take God at His word that He indeed is able to do the impossible. As Beth Moore would say, "You get to decide how you're going to do the *WHAT*. You can do it mad, or you can do it glad." He blessed our socks off with the sweet insight we gained in relating to one another, our biological children, our foster kiddos, and just about everyone else in our path.
I shared with Mark that I have regularly found myself apologizing and asking forgiveness of God for being so stupid, slow, unable to do the right thing, the right way, at the right time, every time, usually with bitter tears being shed. I had assumed God was unhappy and frustrated with me and not wanting to hear my cries if they weren't cleaned up and holy. Projecting on Him the impatience in the way I've had others respond to me, or I've had with others, is the devil's trick.
Satan's biggest ploy is to get me to doubt. "Did God say?" has been his M.O. since the beginning of time. I'm not making that up. Check out Genesis! If I feel God is basically unhappy with my humanness and frailty, then I can be sucked of motivation to even try.
The enemy of my soul is not going to be able to take me to Hell with him but he will attempt to make me as ineffective as possible this side of eternity.
Hearing the way the child psychologist encourages foster parents to react to the children placed in their homes, gave me a renewed perspective on the way my Heavenly Father draws me close, validates my pain, and as He says so often in His word, He delights in me.
I'm BELIEVING it!
I like to picture God holding my hand in ways similar to the way I hold Charlie's, with gentleness and compassion. He knows my frame and He remembers I'm made of dust. Psalm 103:14 but just like I do with Charlie,
Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
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